Called: riija
Alias: precious
Age: 20
Gender: femme fatale
Things i like: anime, music, tv, the internet, art
Favorite words: glitter girl, circus-sex, jitter bug, crystal queen
Music: Tori Amos, Garbage, Fiona Apple, Train, Matchbox20, Bush, Poe
Things i might not admit to: listening to Britney Spears, watching Buffy,
sleeping till noon, being sex-o-phobic..
Addicted to: ordering new records
Things i feel nostalgic about: My Little Pony, bad 80's cartoons like Dungeons n' Dragons, Lady Lovelylocks dolls, and lots and lots of toys..
Suffering from: nostalgia
Feeling:
disapointed
pictures: cds, knickers, tongue
lyric of the day: i wish i had a metal heart

Contact?: riijja@hotmail.com
ICQ number.. i've forgotten? o_O

AN Forums as precious - i never post there though

Adopted

fanlistings and cliques

Link

If, for some reason you'd like to link stardate here are some buttons etc you can use, made by me. SAVE THEM TO YOUR OWN SERVER!

50x50

88x31

May 22nd
make my summer

the accounts of my exciting life have muchly moved over to livejournal, coz i'm bored with maintaining this site. but i try to try. sometimes.

things i want to do this summer;

• wear sandals, high heels and skirts in public.
• drink cider on terraces.
• kiss in the rain.
• re-decorate mom's tvroom.
• get out of the country for a while.
• overload on new fansubs and anime in general.
• stay up all night.
• go skinny dipping.
• get bored out of my mind.
• go to an amusement park.
• spend a weekend or more at the country.
• look beautiful at my counsin's wedding.

October 22nd
It's just PMS.

I've been dogging on myself so much that i'm actually reluctant to write this text. that's funny. usually i might try to hide my ugly thoughts from curious passers-by but not often from myself. i've just gotten so annoying. but here goes anyway -
I've convinced myself that i can never be good enough for him. not only do we have somewhat of a shady past together, but these days i'm just a child in front of him. he's lived while i've sat inside dreading life, especially the life i was leading at the time. i'm simply not enough for him. i'm not pretty enough, not sexual enough, not good enough in bed, not exciting enough, not confident enough, not well-dressed enough, not open enough, not trusting enough. the punch line is that most of these things i feel like i could be, but only with luxurious amounts of time. i do have a very sexual side when i'm really really comfortable enough to let my guard down, even if i don't give myself credit for it. i'm definitely on the right track to being more confident and trusting, more so than i thought i could be, but i'll only really be that way when my previous relationships aren't an issue of who i am anymore. i've been so open with him that my ribs ache, while he hasn't had to reveal many skeletons to me. this maybe because he simple has none or is still slightly holding back. i could dress better, but honestly i can't be bothered to. i'm so sick of dressing myself up for other people, that i'm quite fond of letting him see the relaxed side of me, leaving out the short skirts and plunging necklines. (though i would like to prove to him at least once that i really can look smoking too! honestly i can!)

if i could just give myself a little credit we would both be so much better off! if i didn't doubt myself so much, i wouldn't have the doubt our relationship either, or him. some self-esteem for me, please. i'm trying to persuade myself that this is all just PMS-related.
god, i hope so.

October 2nd
you need a dictionary to read me

I'm nothing but porcelain underneath my skin.
I thought i had been so strong, so good at not making such a big deal of myself, and then all my illusions come crashing down with the force of a few words. i've always been good at breaking at a few words said wrong or left unsaid. i hear even the right things wrong. it's like a tiny nagging at the back of my skull that the more i try to ignore the louder it gets. i've tried not let myself make a big deal of it, since i know these were things not said in spite, and not let it bother me. but instinctively it does bother me. it's left me imagining various ending scenarios, from a slow cooling meltdown to visions of me as a racetrack queen with worn out running shoes. in my head i've connected the imaginary dots and with my faulted logic the conclusions are inevitable. i want to value honesty and i don't want to be the kind of person around whom you have to choose your words according to some obscure mathematical formula or filter and censor your thoughts. i want all these things but at the same time i do believe truths to often times be ugly.

i don't want to hear that you don't care for me.

September 19th
the queen of bad decisions

Sometimes i can hold my tongue,
and sometimes not..

I should not be allowed to open my mouth ever.
I'm so tired of people being concerned about my well-being, of all that asking "are you alright?" and "are you sure?". I wish someone would just take me by the hand and drag me, not because i'm incapable of making decisions, but because even when i do i seem to trip over my inexplicably big mouth and end up ruining it even inspite of myself. I should not be allowed choices, since i make the wrong ones or i let people interpret them the way they see fit. I end up asking myself over everything which scenario will leave me more upset with myself, since i seem to piss myself off endlessly no matter how i try.

And i so desparately don't want to be made a big deal of. I promised myself on my pretty party shoes that i would just let it flow and stop thinking it over again and again - just let it all happen. and then i open my mouth. oh god. somebody kick me.

Now all other possibilities seem uninteresting at best. maybe i just hopelessly want whatever doesn't happen. i seem to have history of that.

August 20th
the heart of the matter

...and he takes me completely and without question.

that's the whole truth.

August 5th
beauty and the beast

I'm feeling bad about myself.
I might be having somekind of explosion of feeling unattractive. The thing is that i'd like to think that i know myself pretty well. I know my strong points and those that are a little less so. I know what bra to wear with what shirt and i know if a skirt is too short for me or my cleavage unflattering. I give myself credit for knowing how to show off my good sides and hide the ones i don't like, or think others won't like either. Basically, in other words, the everyday life of a female creature.

But i've had twenty years to make my peace with these things. I've cursed the fact that i have big thighs or un-shapely breasts for many years before coming to the conclusion that there's nothing i can really do about it, so maybe i'll just have to live with it. I've had twenty years to make my peace with the bad things and find the good things in my over-all appearance, and all in all, i'm certainly not unsatisfied.
Actually i'm moderately pretty.

It's just that maybe some people don't see that. not everyone has had the luxury of time to come to the same conclusions. And while i certainly don't think i'm ugly, i feel ugly, and i'm maybe a little bit afraid that some people don't see as moderately pretty. or maybe even worse, they see me as exactly that. I'm not ugly in my eyes, but i'm afraid i'm not really beautiful in theirs either. i'm just what you make do with. i'm moderately pretty. and probably for the first time in my life i wanna be drop dead gorgeous for someone. i want him to think i'm beautiful, even if i'm really not.
i so want to be beautiful in his eyes.

July 27th
Insecurity invading

You had know it couldn't just all work out. hello? do things ever?
I know that the events in my life and immediate past have left me somewhat untrusting and suspicious of things in the most undramatic way. insecurity has become my worst enemy in life. i'm trying to learn to live with it, but i don't know if the people around me want to do that, since to them it's a question of choice. I've managed to convince myself that things are incapable of working out whatever the circumstances might be. this is the part where fact and fiction bleed into each other without any restraint. even though i know what the facts are when i force my brain to think about it, i can't separate them from the lurking insecurities that are hiding under the carpet. so in the end they're so tangled together that i can't see one without the other at all. i may know what the truth is but i can't get myself to actually believe in it too. it's daunting and setting myself up to fail. also, i so desperately wanted this to just be simple.

A sure fire way to know your computer absolutely despises you is when even programs like notepad stop working. I thought it would be a good joke, but then it actually did stop working. I don't know if i should laugh or cry anymore.

June 17th
double 1,000 word pictures

Two more.

Same credit links apply.
I'm stuck making these weird little sigs since photoshop absolutely refuses to work with larger materials without acting screwy. i'm leaving these here as markers in case someone stumbles on them accidently. they scream so true.

My days have developed into watching satoshi kon movies by day and hitchcock movies by night. which actually doesn't really sound too bad, but i'm running out of movies already. Sometimes these days i have a hard time recognizing this as my life. my life has never had a knack for simply working out. and now i've just let it go, given it the opportunity to show me something i couldn't find with mere brains. and it's all just working out too well.

Tomorrow it's jetplane time again. mint cookie ice cream here i come.

June 11th
life-like-art

I managed to get photoshop to work for about fifteen minutes, so made a few little somethings for myself.

stock photos from stock still. all the other credit links are on the wallpaper page. all my other big-deals are over now. except for my life. i'm really liking it right now. if you would have asked me two months ago i would have never ever believed that this would be where i'd end up finally. damn. sometimes it just all works out anyway.

May 30th
no more miss nice-girl

I came to a conclusion about my life.
I'm sick and tired of being the person that i've been without question for the last four years. I've become so tired of not being listened to, to not being taken seriously, being taken for granted, restricting myself from things for others benefit or peace of mind and being sad for myself without doing anything about it. so much so that i don't mind if i don't know what i'm doing right now, since i'm doing it for the first time in years for me. and i'm already liking myself more. i'm getting closer to the person i thought i always wanted to be, just because i get to be myself. i was always myself but some sort of censored version of me. and even though i'm scared shitless that the people i'm trying to impress won't be too impressed with me, i know that i cant fit myself in another mold for anymore years.

And i'm living for myself, for all the things i thought i had given up without question.
and all the people.

May 24th
PAIN and PANIC reporting for duty!

So i've started to come to the conclusion that the problem with photoshop is probably not fixable. Also my FTP program has strated acting increasingly screwy. And as if following the lead my computer programs have made apparent my whole life has kind of gotten away from me. some years ago i remember living and breathing every single moment in sheer panic - i think i'm going back to that. I don't know what i'm doing, but the fact that is also increasingly scary is that probably for the first time in my life i don't really even care. i'm just going with it.

only some of the final signs of the apocolypse.

May 9th
have a little hate in me.

Don't you just hate, Hate, HATE it when you find something on the net you've been aching for, manage to get it even if it's not in the best of condition, since let's face you were aching for it, and then two fucking days later you find the same item on sale and near mint! it makes me want to go GRR-ARRG. I wonder how much money i'd be able to spend on the internet.

Other things that make me go grr-arrg include photoshop refusing to open. GRR-ARRG!

April 7th
fuck!

I have such a fucking love-hate relationship with ebay.
On one hand it's a god's given. you can pretty much find any insane thing you can think of for sale, that you otherwise would never even have any hope of finding. But i'm not good with fighting for what i want. i just want a buy now option. the anticipation is just too much for me and the fact that you always get out bid at the last second pisses me off to absolutely no end. also the finnish counterpart is problematic since there is less stuff, which means less buyers. which means less people who cant find what they want and therefor want it even more. like me.

well, i'm glad that today i managed to make someone else pay absolutely insane amounts of money for the crap i would have wanted. insane. trust me.

April 3rd
endings and indesicion

My little blue box.

In in a dead end. Me and my so called best friend haven't gotten along quite right for a long time now, and i've been having some vacation time from her. Now it's starting to dawn on me that i feel much better without her. and we've been friends for years so it's not the kind of relationship you just want to give up on, and it really scares me that i'm doing better without her in my pictures. Sometimes we have these great talks but i wonder if she ever takes anything away from them, or if she just forgets them the minute they're over and i'm out of sight. She drives me into such a rage, and i feel healthier without her, but it's one of those relationship that you just can't talk yourself out of. And it freaks me out that i'm starting to think i should.

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